Tuesday Musing

Hi again.

NOTICE: ***If you are looking for a cheerful post, skip this one.***

You've been warned.

Today I'm thinking about my MOMS...yes, Mom"s", plural. I have more than most people do, by a lot.

I have one Mom that gave me life. I have one Mom that raised me up. I have one Mom that took care of me for a few weeks before I met my "new" Mom -- I haven't met this Mom in my adulthood, although I hope that might someday be a possibility. I have a Mom that took care of my sweet husband, the Zombie, until I could 'take over'. (Tee hee) I have a Mom who is married to my Dad (the Dad the contributed 1/2 of my DNA). I haven't met this last Mom, either... and, I don't really know if she'd think of herself as a "mom" to me at all (which is fine) but she is married to my Dad, so I include her.

As you may have guessed, if you don't know me well or aren't one of the above-mentioned people, I am an adoptee. I was born on one side of this nation and adopted (nearly) on the other.

I'm thinking (and therefore writing) about this because I belong to a few different online support groups relating to adoption. I've been looking for a 'live' one, but haven't found any within a reasonable area with the 'feel' that I'm looking for. I'll keep looking.

Anyway, one of my groups is for adoptees only. I like all of my groups (for varying reasons) but that one is probably my favorite -- or at least in the top 3. Every single person there has a different story and a different experience and yet we all have many, many things in common. We ALL were born to a set of parents (or, for some, just a mother) and raised by a different set of parents (or, sometimes, just one).

I reunited with my Mom in 2004 -- just about 4 years ago next month. I reunited with my Dad in 2005 (3 years ago this week). Now, here's one of the things that is interesting about adoption -- and specifically about BEING adopted. There is not one, single standard for what it means to be "reunited". This has been a topic of conversation in all of my groups at one time or another. So, here's what I mean: two-way contact. Both parties (me, the adoptee, and whoever I'm 'reunited' with) know who the other is and have received and responded to communication from the other.

Some adoption reunions continue indefinitely (I hope all of mine are like this) and some don't. Some people meet in person and some never do -- I have 'one of each' on this count. Some adoptees are looking for answers, history, information...in a nutshell, closure. Some are looking for relationships. And then, these relationships take all sorts of different forms, too.

Well, I've gotten a little off track, here... I'm never 'bored' with the topic of adoption. (Just ask the Zombie... *grimace* Sorry, honey.) But, I started this 'musing' post because I'm thinking about my Moms.

What got me thinking about them was several of the topics that have come up in my groups lately. The question of who is a "real" parent^. The question of "language" as it pertains to adoption (i.e. what we call ourselves, what we call other members of the 'triad', how we refer to *being* an adoptee -- "am adopted" or "was adopted", etc.), how we feel about adoption in general and our OWN adoption (no matter which 'position' we hold in adoption), and so on.

^Any of the typical topics that we (adoptees and/or triad members) talk about regarding moms can also be applied to dads. I always wondered about my dad, too. Dads don't come up as much in general conversations about adoption, though. That makes me sad, too.

These kinds of discussions always get me in a really reflective mood. And, I suppose, they bring out the tender-hearted side of my nature (some might call it "raw" or "sensitive"). I get frustrated sometimes, and I get sad sometimes and I get really, really lonely sometimes. (Just in case you're wondering, THAT'S what good belonging to a group of adoptees does me -- having someone to talk to who's been there and IS there.)

So, I was just thinking about who's "real". Sometimes I get kinda mad at some of the things people say in one specific (to remain nameless) group, and sometimes I respond with a little more 'spice' because of it. It drives me CRAZY when people say, "The people who pay the bills, come to the games, wipe the noses, hold you when you're sick, worry when you're out, etc. etc. THOSE are your 'real' parents." Now, don't get me wrong...they ARE my real parents. What 'gets' me --deep down -- is how dismissive it is of my FIRST parents. THEY ARE REAL, TOO! Very real.

Today, I didn't get mad, I got sad. So, I didn't respond 'over there' -- I retreated to 'my own' place to say my peace.

All of my parents are real. Even the ones I haven't met (yet, God willing.) None is any less 'real' than any other. I love ALL of them. And, as far as I can tell, they all love me. What's wrong with that? Why does it have to be either/or? Why are people so defensive? (Especially, I've noticed in a few cases, when it has NOTHING to do with them.) Nothing about my parents' parenthood is negated by anyone else. My Mom didn't become NOT a Mom when she surrendered me for adoption. My Mom isn't less my Mom because she didn't give birth to me. My Dad is my Dad whether or not he's ever seen my face in person, or I his. There are a lot of things about me that are ALL DAD -- even some we haven't really talked about. My Dad is my Dad even though we don't share any DNA, and (Bless him!) we don't have much in common.

Anybody have any trouble telling which is which or who I'm talking about? Didn't think so.

Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why? It hurts my heart.

Okay, I'm done.